


I don't love you (but I always will)

by poison_wine



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a happy ending?, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Canonical Character Death, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, I think it's a happy ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mutual Pining, One-Sided Relationship, One-Sided Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Scent Kink, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, author is projecting, unnecessary details
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:34:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26691505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poison_wine/pseuds/poison_wine
Summary: WARNING: DETAILED AND GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF SUICIDE, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY THIS.Steve dealing with Tony's death after the battle. He never let Tony knew about his feelings towards him, especially with everything that went down following civil war, and Tony never felt good enough to admit his feelings. Although he promised himself that he would say something after civil war, everything was too late. The grief consumes Steve, and he finds no way out, until everything gets better.(This is set in a movie au where Tony is gay and was never with Pepper, so no marriage no kids, he lived alone in those five years. And Steve came back as soon as he put the stones back in the timelines. Also let's all assume the avengers all lived together at the Stark tower right up until events of civil war.)WARNING: DETAILED AND GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF SUICIDE, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY THIS.
Relationships: Friday & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	I don't love you (but I always will)

This was the first time Steve came back to the Stark tower after the battle. The battle that made everything go back to normal. Well, not everything. He hesitated before stepping foot in the floor that used to be filled with lingering scent of pancakes and waffles mixed with Tony’s pleading cry for coffee every morning. Looking around the floor, Steve closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, taking in the scent that was imprinted in his memory, slightly hoping Tony would magically appear in front of him and give him the hug that he had waited for too long. He palmed his eyes for a while at the thought, until he heard the familiar greeting that echoed down the hallway, and rubbed him face.

“Hello Captain, welcome back.”

“Hey Friday.” He breathed out, shooting the ceiling a forced smile, thankful for the company that intercepted the silence that nearly consumed him.

“Miss Potts had informed me of your visit today, where would you like to start?”

Steve looked down and dwelled on Friday’s unusual melancholic tone for a moment, “I’ll head down to my r- my old room, first.”

“Very well, Captain.” The hallway lit up as Friday’s voice died away. Steve followed the light down to his old room. He pondered before holding his hand out to grab the door nob, afraid of the familiarity behind the wooden frame that Tony specifically picked out for him to-

_Tony was excited the moment Steve had walked in the door, and had dragged Steve down the hallway before he could even put down the shield. Underneath his pretend annoyance, Steve was secretly celebrating the fact that Tony had been the one he saw first after he returned from his mission, and wished that the hallway was just a little longer so he could feel Tony’s warm palm on his forearm a little longer. That was, until he was greeted by the new wooden door that he looked at just for a bit too long that one time they strolled down Brooklyn few days before he left for his mission. “Hey, I know you love your hipster Brooklyn aesthetic, I had to buy Pepper the entire Jimmy Choo’s newest collection to get her to talk to the previous owners!”_

_How did he even remember? Steve gave Tony a long searching look, and only managed to say, “Tony, the old one was just fine, you really didn’t have to-“_

_“Do you like it?” He cut him off, and beamed at Steve hopefully like an excited puppy who was seeing its favourite toy dangling in front of him._

_The soldier softened his eyes, and returned a faint smile, “…Yes, but-“_

_“There you go! Now say thank you and buy me a milkshake tomorrow.” Tony clapped his hand and exclaimed. Steve swore he saw a wagging tail as he skipped down the hallway._

_“Thank you Tony, really. I really appreciate it.” He shouted, raising his voice just enough for Tony to hear, and the billionaire just waved his hand without looking back before disappearing into the elevator._

The memory poured down like heavy rain, and Steve struggled to breathe. He sniffed sharply, and tilted back his head to hold back the tears that accumulated at the rim of his eyes. As he collected himself, he realised that he had opened the door. He peered into the room, and was shocked to see that the it remained as he left it seven years ago.

“Mr. Stark had kept this room clean, hoping for your return.” Taken aback by Friday’s straightforwardness, Steve stared at the ceiling, bewildered by the fact that Tony had been waiting for him.

“Tony would probably donate you to M.I.T just for disclosing that statement.” He joked.

“I would have leaked his nudes to the press.” Friday spoke up after a beat of silence. Steve had forgotten that Friday was also present that day, and was the one who felt his heartbeat one last time before having to say goodbye to him forever. He wondered how Friday had been dealing with all this.

“I never asked, how are you?” Steve had a different outlook on life after the first time he had a full conversation with Jarvis, the first A.I. he ever encountered, and began treating them like a person, a confidant, even though he had the fear of them spilling all of his secrets to Tony. But thankfully Tony set up separate codes for each one of them to protect all their privacies, and didn’t have the desire to snoop.

“I am ok, how are you, Captain?” And Steve couldn’t answer that, he sat down on his old bed that was covered with the American flag, and palmed his face. He was okay, as he had been walking around and was able to continued to live his life. But he had struggled to move on, as he had not been able to shake off the memory of that day. He remembered crying at the scene when he saw Tony smiling at him with eyes brimmed with tears as he fell down, silently saying goodbye to him, to everyone. Steve had not been able to forget the sight of Tony’s lifeless body against the ruins of the battlefield that day. He hated himself for not going forward, and at least let him know that he had loved him, let him know that he had waited seven long years to finally be able to say it, to say goodbye without any regret. But instead, he stood metres away, dumbfounded, as Peter went up to him, as Pepper told him to rest, as everybody kneeled, and as Tony finally closed his eyes.

“…Captain?” Friday’s faint voice pulled Steve back into reality, he sat up straight, tightening his fists, and swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I’m ok.” He said quietly, and stood up, to finally begin his task at hand. Earlier in the week he had contacted Pepper to get her permission to visit the tower. He wanted to see if he could pack up some stuff, stuff that he forgot to take when he ran away hurriedly after the so-called civil war. Pepper was more than happy to help, and offered to come with him, though he politely declined, explaining that he wished to do this alone.

_“I know I’m probably the last person Tony wants in the tower but-“_

_“Oh Steve, Tony would’ve loved for you to go.” The sympathetic tone in Pepper’s voice made Steve realised that she always knew how he felt, “Thank you.” He replied, and hung up the phone, finding it difficult to continue the conversation._

As the year went by, his confession became harder to iterate. Although he wanted to scream on the top of his lungs every time he saw Tony, the words had always gotten stuck at his throat. And now, well, now, the confession had become insignificant without a recipient.

He opened the drawer in his bedside table, and began looking through the items. His old sketchbook was lying on top of everything, and an old magnet that he bought with Tony was beside it. Ignoring the dust collected on the cover, he picked up the sketchbook, and flipped through the pages. Other than the quick still life sketches of various objects around the tower, he found the page he cherished the most—a drawing of Tony napping in the living room.

_“You really should get some rest.” Steve had on his captain voice, delivering his concern like an order, much to Tony’s annoyance._

_“And you really need to mind your own business.” Tony rolled his eyes, and picked up the coffee he had just made._

_“Seriously, Tony, you have been in the workshop for two days straight now, you gotta get some sleep.” Dropping his stance, Steve walked over to Tony, pausing on the opposite side of the kitchen island, and looked at him imploringly, and Tony looked away, avoiding his gaze as he blushed, slightly._

_“Yet I am still functioning perfectly, is that all?” Hoping Steve didn’t catch his reaction, Tony turned on his heel to walk away from the scene, but the quick movement exasperated his exhaustion, and he saw stars before going limb. Thankfully Steve was there to catch him before he hit the floor._

_“Functioning perfectly my ass.” Steve muttered underneath his breath, and Tony shot him a disapproving look, “That’s a bad word Captain, a dollar in the swear jar.” Steve let out a chuckle as he helped Tony up and walked him to the sofa, “I’d rather use that dollar to buy you some donuts if you get some sleep right now.”_

_“Well then how could I refuse.” Tony answered quietly before he closed his eyes and dosed off. Then the world was silent, and Steve held his breath at the sight of Tony’s peaceful slumber. He stared at the man’s puckered lips, contemplating whether he should kiss him, and maybe Tony would wake up and kiss him back, and maybe he’d let him touch his ass for the first time— Judging his prurient thoughts, he mentally swore, and left the living room, later coming back with a blanket and his sketchbook, deciding to immortalise that moment._

Steve did actually see him blush that day, and was thankful that Tony was too tired to notice his piping hot ears when he caught him in his arms. He would always think back to that day, wishing that he commented on Tony’s flushing cheeks, and perhaps it would lead to something more, something that required both of them naked and tangled in the sheets in Steve’s bedroom, and Tony’s scent would rub off onto Steve’s bedsheets, and the aroma would help him through countless sleepless nights. He would masturbate at the thought of Tony moaning underneath him as he pushes his dick into his wet and sleek asshole, the squirming coming out of the genius’ mouth when he thrusts until their release excited Steve so much that he eventually opted to buying a fleshlight one day, since his right hand was simply not enough. He would have planted kisses all over his body, and he would hold Tony tight against his chest when they’re done, sharing his heartbeat as he breathes in Tony’s unique scent. But that was all in his head. Steve grimaced at his cowardliness, at all the missed opportunities, at every single time he ran away.

He tore off the page with Tony, and folded it before putting it in his shirt pocket, patting it as he felt an unusual security of finally having Tony near his heart again. He glanced at the magnet that he bought at that souvenir shop, and huffed out a weak laugh as he remembered Tony’s judgmental look.

_“Seriously Cap? You know you’re an American citizen right?” They were standing in line waiting to pay while Tony grimaced at the variously shaped magnets Steve was holding._

_“Well, being in a coma for 70 years makes you feel like a tourist anywhere.” And Tony didn’t answer that, instead he grabbed another magnet from the stand on his left that said I-heart-NY, and gave it to Steve._

_“Here, you gotta have one for New York then.”_

He kept the one Tony gave him instead of putting it on the fridge like the all the rest, as it was the first thing Tony had picked for him. He wiped the dust off the magnet, and decidedly pocketed it too before heading out to the hallway.

“Captain, is that all?” Friday suddenly spoke, startling Steve, “Oh, yeah, that’s all I needed from this room. I uh-”

“Yes?”

“Is Tony’s workshop still…”

“Yes you still have the override code to access the workshop, would you like to see it?” Friday paused before continuing, “…Dum-E and U would love the company.” Steve wanted to cry at that.

_“Why don’t you just adopt them while you’re at it, they’re useless in here anyway.” Tony commented nonchalantly when he saw Steve already in his workshop, patting Dum-E as he handed him a tool from the work station._

_“Only if you let me.” Steve replied, still focused on giving Dum-E the recognition he deserved._

_“You know you really don’t have to-“ Tony said after he put down his box of Krispy Kreme on the desk, the super soldier looked up at his words, waiting curiously for him to finish his sentence. “You don’t have to keep coming down here.”_

_“Am I bothering you?” Steve frowned, suddenly nervous as he had been showing up uninvited._

_“NO! No… it’s just…” Tony blushed, embarrassed at his overreaction, jittering, “You’re spoiling the bots!”_

_“I love spoiling them. They’re good kids.” Steve beamed at U and Dum-E who both began turning in circles to celebrate Steve’s compliment, as it had been rare with Tony around._

_“See? They don’t even do their job anymore.”_

_“We can’t have that can we, Dum-E, U, you need to make sure you do your best to help Tony ok?” Steve said in a comical Captain America stance that he inhabited for those educational videos for schools. Tony couldn’t help but smile at that, and Steve soaked in the infectious glow that always accompanied the rare expression. Then suddenly, the sentence he practiced a billion times in front of the mirror was on the edge of his tongue, “Tony, I-“_

_“Yes?” Tony was waiting, half-expectantly, and Steve could see that, and-_

_“…I think you look beautiful when you smile,” was all Steve could blurt out, the confession tangled in between the sentence, and eventually disappeared into his throat. For a split second, Steve thought he saw that Tony was disappointed, but it was quickly swept away and Tony just smirked, slipping back to his usual playboy attitude, “so I’ve been told.”_

Steve bit his tongue, and wanted to punch himself in the face. He could see it now, he saw everything now, everything was so clear in his head. Tony had waited for him to confess that day, and he chickened out like he always did.

The bots practically flew into Steve as soon as the workshop door opened, running around in circles, celebrating the long-awaited human company. Steve put out a hand to reciprocate their excitement, “I missed you guys.” And the bots chirped. Dum-E had pointed towards the work station, and came back to tug at Steve, who knowingly followed the robot hand.

“What is it Dum-E?” He looked at the place Dum-E was pointing at, and he felt a wave of sadness attacking his heart as he saw what was on the table. It was the phone and the letter he sent Tony after Siberia. The reminder of everything he had done that day was nauseating, and he felt his throat was swelling again. Even though Tony had told him that he had forgiven him, and forgiven Bucky, he still couldn’t forgive himself for what he had done that day. A single tear broke free and the rest followed, Dum-E and U both went quiet as they heard Steve’s trembling sorrow, and watched him sink into the chair as he let out the restrained tears. He was wheezing while trying his best to stop crying, until he felt Dum-E nudging his shoulder, forcing himself to look up, only to see the bot holding up the flip phone. As he finally managed to breathe properly, he wiped his eyes and took the phone from Dum-E, and turned it on. What did they want him to do? He aimlessly clicked through the menu, checking the call history, even though he knew only Banner had made that one call ever since Siberia. But then he clicked the messages, and saw the 34 messages in the draft box.

I know u have a new sugardaddy now stop showing off u bastard. - Tony

I hate u so much. - Tony

So u’re just gonna send me ONE letter? That’s it? Wow, I thought we were better than that. - Tony

Will you ever come back? - Tony

I bet tchalla doesnt have what I have, i know you regret everything, if you bring me krispy kreme I might show a little mercy. - Tony

Actually no donuts would cut it, I would never forgive u u piece of shit im officially unfriending u. - Tony

Well I mean, I do want donuts right now. can you come back with some? - Tony

……..

I miss your star-spangled ass Steve, get a move on and come back, whats so good about wakanda that we dont have? - Tony

I read Bucky’s letter, he’s so dramatic for no reason geez. - Tony

steeeeve - Tony

I really miss you Steve - Tony

When are you coming back? - Tony

What am I thinking you’re not coming back, you’re not coming back at all are you - Tony

Why did u have to leave me - Tony

I love you Steve, I wish you knew that - Tony

Would u have stayed if I ever told you that? - Tony

Steve’s throat tethered upon seeing the last two messages. Tony, Tony loved me? His eyes welled up with tears again, and they streamed down his face uncontrollably. Oh my god, he thought. I’m an idiot, he thought.

None of the messages were sent. It was as if Tony was speaking to the phone instead of Steve. Why didn’t he send them? If only he had sent them. He would have returned without a question, he would have ran into the building, screw the wanted list, screw his criminal status, he would have risked everything just to hold Tony, and tell him how much he loved him. But he was an idiot who hurt the love of his life, and drove their relationship to the point of no return. He sobbed frantically at his own ignorance.

“Are you okay, Captain?” It had been a while since Friday spoke, and she sounded extremely concerned.

“Ye- Yes, I- I’m just,” Steve’s voice was quavering, but he managed, “I just miss Tony.”

“…Me too, Captain.” Friday murmured after a long pause, Steve sniffed, and looked up at the bot, then at the ceiling, and buried his face into his palm.

“I’m an idiot.” He mumbled.

“So was boss.” He didn’t answer that.

Steve had finally composed himself, swallowing the sadness, and stood up to walked around the shop. The rest of the workshop looked like it was waiting for Tony’s triumphant return, some half finished suit was still sitting on a bench, a car was left with its boot open, and boxes of krispy kreme was scattered around the floor. Reminiscing the moments that he shared with Tony, Steve began to realise that they were everywhere. This was the place when he first asked Tony to fix his shield, this was the place Tony told him about Howard, this was the place that Tony had cried in his arm for the first time, this was the place that they shared a drink to celebrate a victory for the first time, this was the place that Tony kissed him at a drunken night, this was the place that Steve realised he loved Tony, and this was the place that he was planning to tell Tony he loved him.

He lingered in the shop, and relived those moments one last time, and said his goodbye to the bots.

“Captain, where to next?”

There was an uneasiness in Friday’s voice, Steve chose to ignore that, and looked up.

“Um, Can I,” Steve paused, pursing his lips, “Will I be able to go to Tony’s room?” Without an answer, the hallway lit up again, and he heard ‘access granted, subject, Steve Grant Rogers, alias Captain America’ as the elevator opened up, awaiting his presence.

“Thank you.” With no hesitance, Steve walked into the elevator, eager to see and feel Tony’s remnant that may still occupy the room.

Pepper had not come around to clean up the room just yet, as she is still busy with sorting out Stark Industries’ newly updated system without Tony, and as she is still processing the loss of her best friend. The room overlooked the busiest area of the city, extravagantly decorated to exhibit the vision of the futurist, thoroughly representing Tony Stark, the genius, billionaire, playboy, and philanthropist. Steve looked at the room in awe, still impressed with its lavishness, but winced at the thought of Tony being in this room all by himself, for the past seven years, when he had left him here. He had been in pain ever since that day in Siberia, no less than Tony. The apology he gave Tony after he returned from space was messy and unprepared, but Tony smiled and told him it was okay. But he knew it wasn’t. It was too late, and it was selfish.

_“Why didn’t you stay with him?” Bucky asked, “if you loved him that much, why didn’t you stay there?”_

_“I hurt him, Bucky,” Steve averted his eyes, unable to meet Bucky’s scrutinising gaze, “It’s better for me to stay away.”_

_“That’s just selfish, you know it.” Bucky had only felt immense guilt since he awoke from cryo-chamber sleep. He only saw himself as a killer, and an impediment of Steve’s relationship with Tony. But of course, none of that were his choices, and Tony made sure he knew that. While he never got to apologise in person, he sent a letter, in which Tony replied in a very Tony fashion, simply noting, ‘we’re all kind of fucked up aren’t we? don’t stress about it. - T’ The letter cracked all the walls Bucky had put up around him, and the sincerity of the words creeped through like rays of sunshine, and set Bucky free from his own cage of eternal torture. He cried for hours in Steve’s arms, thankful for the second chance, and vowed to make amends when he sees Tony again._

Even Bucky got a letter, he thought bitterly. Then he shook his head, trying to obliterate the jealousy he felt, until all he can feel is regret. He dragged his feet, and moved over to Tony’s bed. Holding out a hand to brush against the expensive silk sheets that he familiarised himself with that one night when Tony asked him to stay with him until he fell asleep, he carefully sat down on Tony’s bed. This was what he had been waiting for all day. He laid down prone on the bed, hugging the pillow, and breathed in Tony’s scent, and let out an exhausting sigh.

He opened his eyes after a while, and called out: “Friday?”

“Yes Captain?”

“Can you put on Star Trek?” He lifted himself up, and slumped against the headboard.

“Sure, Captain, which episode?”

“The final episode.” Tony had always forced Steve to watch the show with him, and even though he always acted reluctant, he was happy to comply. They never got around finishing it because of, well, you know what happened. He should finish it today.

“Very well, Captain.” The TV started the episode, and Steve began to cry again when they all decided to destroy the ship to save Earth, and then he pulled out the small knife he had in his pocket.

“…Captain?”

“Mute.” Steve unfolded the knife, and held out his wrist. To bleed out enough to die before the cut heals was tricky, but not impossible as long as he cut deep enough. He traced the knife across his wrist, measuring the potential wound again, and stabbed into his pale skin. He flinched at the sudden pain, but clenched his jaw to slice the knife across the wrist, making sure he hit the bone, and then did the same to the other one.

Steve closed his eyes, and found that he had stopped crying, and the expressionless face was replaced with a contented smile. With Star Trek sill playing in the background, and as Admiral Janeway detonated the torpedo, Steve held his hand against the pocket where he put the magnet and the sketch of Tony, laid down on the pillow, and inhaled deeply to feel Tony’s scent one last time.

* * *

“Steve?” That voice was way too familiar for Steve to ignore, he opened his eyes, and there he was, the genius he had not seen for a long time.

“Tony… Are you really here? Tony I-“

“Shh… I know Steve, I know.” Tony looked at Steve with brooding eyes, and ran his hand through Steve’s hair, and cupped his face. “I always knew, Steve. I’m sorry I never said anything.”

“No… it’s not, it’s not your fault. I’m here now, we’ll be together now-“ Tony smiled at the man before him, his eyes looking up at the blonde, brimming with tears, the eyes that melted Steve every time he looked at them, the eyes that Steve fell helplessly in love with. Steve lifted up his hand, and felt Tony’s face in his hand for the first time in forever, and choked back his tears. “I’m sorry Tony, I’m sorry I never told you I love you, I’m sorry I’m such a coward, I’m sorry-“ Before he could finish, Tony gently pressed his lips onto his, and Steve desperately deepened the kiss, and hugged Tony closer, feeling his heartbeat against his own, not wanting to let go.

Tony pulled away, and Steve followed, holding Tony tighter, scared that he would slip away again.

“Listen Steve,” Tears were flowing down Tony’s face, “Steve, I love you, so much, more than you’ll ever know.”

“I love you too, Tony, I wish I said this sooner, I love you I love you I love you!” His voice was shaking, his breath hitched, he didn’t sound like himself anymore, but he needed Tony to know, he wanted to say it a million times to compensate the times they had lost.

“I know Steve, I always knew.” Tony said again, and swallowed, “Steve, you have to go back.”

“What do you mean?” Steve tensed, fearful of what Tony was going to say next, “I’m with you now, I’ll be with you forever, we will finally be together!”

Tony kissed him again, “Steve, you have always been with me, and I have always been with you, right here.” He poked at Steve’s chest, and then pointed at his own. “As long as you don’t forget about me, I will always be with you, we will always be together.”

“I won't forget you, Tony, I, No, I, I want to be here, I will be here with you! Together!” Steve’s voice was faltering, unsure of what was going to happen, afraid of what was going to happen. 

“You need to go back now Steve, our friends need you.” Tony took a deep breath, and smiled at Steve wistfully, and squeezed Steve’s trembling hands, then lifted his head to give him one last kiss. “You’re going to be okay, Steve, I love you, I always did, and I always will.”

“Tony-“

* * *

Steve was reluctantly awoken by the bright light in the hospital room, squinting through the light, he saw Bucky and Pepper’s concerned faces, and Rhodey was standing on the other side.

“You’re an idiot.” Bucky spoke first.

“I saw him, Tony, he…” Steve croaked, and sighed, “…he told me to come back.”

“Of course he did, Steve,” Pepper sniffed before she continued, “He loved you, always did.”

**Author's Note:**

> Instead of my assignments I wrote this. This hurt me more than it hurt you.
> 
> The fic was inspired by Poison & Wine by The Civil War


End file.
